Author: tuberoseandlily

Leave My Home Alone

| tuberoseandlily

I’m on an airplane again,

seeing what must’ve been the God’s view,

the fog, the clouds and the vapour crowding up the window,

gushing with the wind; God must’ve frozen fingers.

A beautiful scenery I see, of rivers entwined with one another,

flowing from that far North to the East.

I spent much time on that island of which depriving of water.

I don’t get thirst because nobody could steal the rivers.

I’m on the airplane again.

I am sure it’s the same plane.

Only these couple of Boeing flies to and fro of these places.

I am sure because the window was blurred again.

The rivers are diminishing again.

The same view, the same strange feeling and the scent of disinfectant spray are the loop I stuck in.

There’s abundance of reluctance I carried in my backpack.

It drags home. Away. As if it could disappear.

It for sure did disappear from my sight.

Never for one second I ever forget there are rivers running in my veins.

hands

| tuberoseandlily

Does it sound funny to you that I am tired of brightness?

It is intense.

It’s an attempt to prove darkness wrong,

is a pain to nocturnal visions,

is a repetition that everybody has to face when sun is up,

is the beginning within the endlessness.

Close your eyes, you said, when the light shines.

I did as you said.

I struggled.

You asked, what’s wrong?

There was leakage between my eyelids.

You covered my eyes with your hands.

And that’s it ——

Emptiness within endlessness.

Until one moment you decided to let me peek through your fingers.

Your fingers were telling me, take a look of this world you despise.

White.

Too vivid it yells pretentious.

Still? You asked.

No…

Maybe what has been odd with this world isn’t how bright it has been.

It’s how bright it is painted to seem.

This vividness makes all the sense now that I could stare at it and see through what’s underneath.

$5 / $500

| tuberoseandlily

Please avoid saying that this green note is not a lot.

Whatever this 5 dollars weigh here may seem to be not a lot.

Once you bring it across the sea, this 5 dollars is equivalent to three bowls of kolo mee.

You may be able to gift me 500 dollars but I will still not be able to enjoy it unless I cross the sea.

And there, I will only need 2 gold shillings to enjoy the tastiest dish of all.

Some things may not be a lot to you, but it is always sufficient to someone else.

If you get what I mean, please avoid saying that.

apparently

| tuberoseandlily

Here is why I never use the word apparently in all kind of context.

  1. Apparently the bottle was there on the table. The word enforces that you have missed out an obvious thing that you shouldn’t.
  2. We could not attend to you because we are apparently busy with a lot of things. The word enforces that not only you did not know we are busy, but everybody else (with common sense or not) knows.
  3. I forwarded her text below. The customer apparently requested for a refund. The word enforces that I am quoting something that is very straightforward and that kind of reflected as I am doing something unnecessary.

In my opinion, it is an unpleasant word. Use wisely.

Dear You,

| tuberoseandlily

It was only pain back then, tears flow naturally and you couldn’t care to wipe them off because it’s the pain flowing. Letting it doesn’t reduce the pain to be honest. The flowing of it pushes my soul to identify its presence. You can’t forget it, ever. You must’ve remember. Your soul, especially, remembers. You may pretend you no longer. But even they, your friends, can tell, you were drowning in the waterfall of tears.

It’s justice that pained you. When people does obtain theirs, and you’ve never, it’s painful. When people have lived happier, and you’ve not, it’s painful. When people smile because they feel like they own the world, and you smile because this decency is the peace that you’ve been seeking, that comparison is painful. When you know how to survive not too happily but to really survive, carefully, you realized those who’ve never known the purpose of being careful, their face smeared by abundance of luck, smiled through white teeth, you know they know nothing of what you’ve been through. Not because that you’re quiet, but that because they never cared to listen.

Are you still? My skin constantly tells me, yes. There’s no nothing piercing but it could feel as if there were cold cold knives sticking its surface to my skin. And that kind of temperature pierces into the deepest inch of my bones. My body wasn’t in pain, but it shivers, for that my soul and heart were. Are.

The whole world is in pain. People have gotten used to pain, haven’t we? Most no longer scream through these disgust and unjust. Not that we’ve lost our voices, just that… screaming doesn’t help. Everybody is hiding their pain. Some may still be screaming about mosquito bites; but why, some, so blinded by frequent pain, they no longer identify them as a form of suffering. It has became normalcy. It has became comfortable. To be in pain.

I don’t want another bucket of alcohol. I don’t want it to be misplaced anymore. I want to acknowledge it, honor its presence, understand its purpose and smile the next time I come across it down the street. Just let me know if you do know, how can I unload these?

Yours forever,
Me.